If passion equals love, and passion equals pain then love equals pain – The Paradox of Passion

This thought was brought to the forefront of my mind this morning as I watched helplessly as Max worked through a seizure. There seems to be nothing in life that hurts more as a parent than seeing one of your children in pain. Sometimes I am able to moderate and compartmentalize things related with Max, and sometimes I am at the mercy of that pain invoking passion.

Recently Brandy and I have begun walking down the road of a major surgical decision. Honestly I can’t name the surgery, nor can I fully explain the procedure. What I do know is that this surgery has seen kids with Maxs type of CP make huge strides towards independently walking. The simply idea of Max being able to have that freedom of walking is enough for my eyes to become tear filled. The part I do know is that the surgery involves cutting nerves in the spine. That explanation often causes a cringe or wince anytime I tell someone about it, as its clear what the potential risks would be. I think about my son losing even the limited mobility and movement that he has.

We’ve been through a lot of procedures over the years, so what makes this one different? Up to this point everything that we’ve went through has been of medical necessity. Regardless of the pros and cons, it was happening. We never had to really work through this type of process, specially not with such a high risk/reward equation. I find I’m already consumed with thoughts and fears of the worst case scenario and knowing that I chose to have the procedure done.

This mornings seizure was not something that I haven’t seen or have to live with, but it triggered even more pain into the recent weeks events.

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