Shaped by the pain

Shaped by the pain

Everyday brings a new memory, a thought, a photograph, a blog post. Everyday is a memory two years removed. Everyday I am still shaped by the pain, shaped by the moments that still stop my breath. It’s a gauntlet, a brutal reminder of the uncertainty and moments that pushed me to the edge. I melt as I look at the pictures and memories.

The pain continues to shape me, it constantly flows through my being creating new crevasses and caverns where none existed before. I have said it before I am a broken mosaic, a man trying to piece himself back together. I identify with the pain knowing its my reality, while at the same time casting a gaze to a better place as I remember the good and precious times.

I slowly creep towards December 25th, knowing what that day will forever mean witching my soul. I am being shaped by the pain, but I fight for what is good. I fight for the memories that bring tears to my eyes and a smile like no other.

Everyday is a two year anniversary of something, and everyday I battle to avoid falling into the darkened of grief. That’s the thing about grief, at least the way I see it. You choose to grieve in the shinning memory of hope or the pain and darkness. I will never undo the scars left while being shaped by the pain, but I choose to live in the hope. In the memory of a child full of life and joy. I choose that. I know the darkness’s and the pain will continue to come, and I know they will continue to shape me.

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