Lost communication
What is life without communication, joy, anger simple emotion. What are any of these without the ability to communicate? We know what these emotions look like in our mind, or at least we count on the ability to express them verbally. I tell Gracie I love her multiple times every day, I tell her so much she says “I know dad you already told me that today” but I continue telling her anyway. I know when she is mad at me, she tells me. When communication in our relationships break down we can stop and regroup. We sort it out, we apologize or agree to disagree.

What then when all we know about communication is gone. When we say “I love you,” but can only hope the recipient hears and understands. I’ve known people who have had parents or grandparents with alzheimer’s or dementia and have heard of those accounts where the loss of communication becomes overwhelming. The inability to know if they understand and reciprocate.

This is one of the struggles that eats at me, that gnaws at my soul. Does Maddox know the depth of my love for him? I tell him dozens of times a day, I hold my cheek to his to allow him to feel my skin, but does he know? He hears me, I know that because the hearing tests say his hearing is great but what is hearing without comprehension? What our words without the ability to link them to meaning?

I find that when I’m honest with myself I’m guilty of trying to build up love with things, trinkets, experiences things that will create a greater mass and density to my love all the stuff the consumer driven society we are living in tells me I should. The problem is when none of that applies or at least has minuet impact.

I find myself with little peace at times and little confidence that I have done enough to communicate my love to my son. At the same time I know all I can do is to continue saying it, to continue to do all I know to let the spirit of love embrace him. It has to be more then words, for without communication words have fleeting value.